Aust Winner 澳洲长风论坛

[doorkeeper]

Loneliness Of One Person

“Is departure so cruel? Or is being gentle and soft shameful? Or does lonely people care nothing, without day and night, without any conditions? The boat I have been waiting for hasn’t come yet, and the person I have been waiting for doesn’t understand. Silence has sunk into the bottom of the sea, and I am still here though memory is gone.”

It was deep at night. I was sitting before my computer, listening to this song. Few people were still online, only several blinking colorful logos there. My colleagues next door already went into deep sleep, and their slight sounds of breathing were very clear in the silent night.

I didn’t know why I myself would stay there so stubbornly. Perhaps, in my consciousness, I was waiting for someone, someone that I didn’t know whether it would come.

Then, I used the nickname of “waiting” to get into one chatting room.

There were not many people there, but there were still some.

At the time when I got in, the host had just given the mike to a pal named “loneliness”.

“Loneliness” said nothing after receiving the mike, but started to read a paragraph of an essay.

The essay was well written and his voice was very sensational, too. He read it with a background music, which had made the whole chatting room full of a kind of flavor of softness.

I listened quietly, a little spellbound and confused.

At the end of the essay he said, “When the one whom you are deeply in love with loves another person deeply, what can you do?”

Those were the words originally written by Louis Cha. And now they got another effect, being spoken out from a man’s mouth.

I was suddenly moved by those words, and I couldn’t hold myself but sent a greeting to him.

I said, “Did you write all that?”

He sent back a smile. “Is it strange that a man has written such womanly essay?”

I sent a smile, without a reply.

He sent a long sentence. “You are waiting, what are you waiting for, staying up so late?”

“Perhaps waiting for someone, or perhaps waiting for a story, or, waiting for an unexpected meeting of someone.” I said.

He laughed. “Perhaps, waiting for loneliness, too?”

I couldn’t help smiling. “No, loneliness doesn’t need me to wait, it will come to me naturally.”

“Are you lonely?”

“Yes, I’m lonely.”

“Then, when one person’s loneliness is added up to another person’s, is the loneliness still there?”

When one person’s loneliness is added up to another person’s, is the loneliness still there? I didn’t want to give any reply to this question.

But, I had met a pal named “loneliness”.

I asked, “Are you in love with someone unrequitedly”

“How do you know?”

“Just because of that sentence ‘When the one whom you are deeply in love with loves another person deeply, what can you do?’”

He smiled at the other end, “You’re very sensitive. It seems that you like those words, too. Then if it were you, what will you do?”

“I am not the same,” I shook my head. “I am only waiting for someone.”

“Did he know you would be waiting for him?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he knew, maybe not.” I laughed bitterly.

“That’s why you have to wait.”

I didn’t say anything, and neither did he. Both of us two had a long silence.

He said, “Oh, I just got a desire to meet you now.”

“To see a totally stranger at such a late night?” I asked.

“You haven’t found out that my IP address is the same as yours, have you?”

I didn’t notice that before he pointed it out. It had a look at my IP, it was really the same as his.

“What happened? Scared? Are you afraid that I have an axe to grind?”

I didn’t say yes, nor I said no.

You couldn’t help people to think wildly, when a man wanted to meet a strange woman at such a deep night.

“Don’t be afraid of me. I have no other means but to have a look at you. Maybe, in a day like this, I am afraid of being lonely, too.”

I didn’t reply.

He sent some numbers and a line of words, “Do you know that sky-bridge here? I’ll be waiting for you there. This is my phone number. When you get there, you may give me a call.”

I swung my hair. Without further thinking, I changed my clothes, and went out, grasping in hand the paper with his phone number on.

It was deep at night, so there were few people in the streets, but there was wind there, and lots of dusts, too.

I turned at a corner. I walked slowly through a street. I turned at another corner, and then the shape of the bridge could be dimly seen some way ahead.

Some small restaurants at the roadsides were still open, selling midnight snacks.

From the restaurants came out dim lights, with shaking shadows of objects and people.

The bridge was closer and closer to me. Though I couldn’t see anyone up on the bridge, I thought he might be up there.

Suddenly, my eyes felt warmth. I thought of those countless nights when it was I who was there waiting for others. But, tonight, there would be someone waiting for me.

People who is waiting knows what he/she is waiting for. People who is waited for would never know he/she is waited for.

We all have our own purposes for waiting. Yet, there was no reason for him to wait.

Just at that moment, I knew I would not go and meet him.

Then I went into a restaurant at the roadside, and ordered a bowl of noodle.

The bowl was big and the noodle was delicious. As soon as I got some noodle into my mouth with the chopsticks, tears came out just like water.

I knew I was crying, not for that bowl of noodle, but for my loneliness.

I got through to his phone.

I said, “You don’t’ have to wait for me any more. I would not be coming.”

I heard a sigh from him. “When two lonely persons come together, is there still loneliness?”

I didn’t reply, but murmured, “Good bye, loneliness.”

I hung up and relaxed my hand. The paper with his phone number on was falling down to the ground.

I finished my bowl of noodle, and saw a man coming down from the bridge.

I slowly walked toward him just like an ordinary pedestrian at night, and brushed past him.

In fact, I really wanted to tell him that even two persons’ loneliness are added up together, they are equal to loneliness as well.

[雪泥]

I am happy you didn't go to meet that stranger.Take care