Aust Winner 澳洲长风论坛

海外逸士

我爱这土地

假如我是一只鸟，
我也应该用嘶哑的喉咙歌唱：
这被暴风雨所打击的土地，
这永远汹涌着我们的悲愤的河流，
这无止息地吹刮着的激怒的风，
和那来自林间的无比温柔的黎明……
——然后我死了，
连羽毛也腐烂在土地里面。

为什么我的眼里常含泪水？
因为我对这土地爱得深沉……

苑眉

逸士老师好！

艾青的诗我有不少的，也挺喜欢这首；等忙完这段会试着译几首。。。

谢谢老师推荐！

海外逸士

good. but I can only discuss the translation of short ones.

戴玨

我來試一下：

I Love This Land

If I were a bird,
I should sing, with a husky throat,
this land that is being ravaged by storms,
this river in which our indignation constantly surges,
this raging gale that is blowing incessantly,
and that infinitely gentle dawn emerging from the woods...
-- then I should die,
and my feathers should also rot in the earth.

Why are my eyes always filled with tears?
Because I deeply love this land...

海外逸士

the translation is good, but we can still make it better.

If I were a bird,
I should sing with a husky voice.
this land being ravaged by storms,
this river constantly surging with our woe and wrath,
this raging gale blowing incessantly,
and that infinitely tender dawn emerging from the woods...

(the rule is to make the lines as short as possible without changing the meaning.)

戴玨

謝逸士意見。一般來說，句子確應以簡短為原則，但就此詩而言，個人覺得用較完整的句子會給人以更沉重的感覺。

william zhou周道模

艾青的诗有散文化倾向，句子长点符合他的个性特征。

非马

译诗最难也是最重要的工作是寻找一种感觉。我相信戴玨把艾青这首诗的感觉及味道都翻译出来了。第二行里的“也应该”应是“仍然应该”（still should）而不是“应该再一次”（should again) 的意思。我想简单用should 就可以了。

戴玨

感謝非馬先生的稱贊和建議。“也應該”令我頭疼了一陣，still我也曾考慮過，我覺得中文的意思并非十分明確，比如也可以理解為：雖然小鳥微不足道，在國難當頭之際也應該奮力抗爭，用歌喉發出不屈的聲音，即有點匹夫有責的味道在裏面。簡單用should可能確是最佳的作法吧。

另，tender改成了gentle，因為tender較多負面含意（如脆弱，過敏之類的）。