Aust Winner 澳洲长风论坛

[苑眉]

赞美

轻浮的心

赞美的话
像氢
不断鼓胀着它
上升

很快很快
不知
自身所在


Praises

Wr./Tr. By Yuanmei

A light heart

When filled with
Hydrogenous praises
It starts to rise

And soon
It does not know
Its whereabouts

[非马]

The word "In fact" in both versions might not be necessary. You can also use "Hydrogenous" in place of "Hydrogen-like" to make it more vivid and lively if you want to. Hope the following rendering can be of some help to you in your revision. Happy New Year!
(Sorry my Chinese software quits working this morning so I have to use English)

A light heart

When filled with
Hydrogen-like praises
It starts to rise

And soon
It does not know
Its whereabouts

[苑眉]

非马老师好！新年快乐！

“其实” 在中文版里也不好吗？
那就不用了。

“a light heart” ，似乎是 “轻浮的心” 的意思？
但似乎比 “心很轻” 有针对性？
呃。。。用 “轻浮的心” 好呢？还是 “心很轻” 好？
有点举棋不定了。。。

“where itself to be” 好像是 “将身处何处” 的意思？偏了。。。
头大。。。

谢谢非马老师！

[苑眉]

这样改了也好！—— 可以当作又一首 “澳洲八行”！发那里去。。。