Aust Winner 澳洲长风论坛

非马

做诗

直到妻子温存的眼光
也结了冰
诗人才惊觉
笼罩自己脸上的冷
竟是恁般深重

但大地
为了开出第一朵花
必须忍耐
长长的冬

就这样
他又一次
理得而心不安
苦苦地等待
一声清脆的爆响

冰破裂眉头舒展
安祥地他摊开稿纸
写下第一个字

Making of a Poem

when his wife’s warm gaze
turns into an icicle
he knows there’s a deep freeze
on his own face

but before the bloom
of its first flower
the earth must endure
a long long winter

so he once again attains
though not without a qualm
a peace of mind
and arduously awaits
the clear and crisp sound

ice breaking brows relaxing
composedly he spreads out
a sheet of paper
and puts down
his first word

jakezhou

英文诗歌的最后两节有点拗口了.一是有时不连贯,二是有些多音节词连在一起.
如果是一直短行短词,或者是一直长词,可能会显的连贯一点.或者您想要获得什么特殊的效果?
不过我认为诗是写得不错的.我是写不出来那个样子的. 说点批评的话只是出于求完美的心态而已. 或者只是就是完全的误读? 呵呵,别见怪哦

海外逸士

Do English-speaking people say "to make a poem" instead of "to write a poem"?

At the beginning, it's better to use "Not until ..." structure.

戴玨

戴玨

非马

谢谢两位。戴玨是对的，making 兼有preparing (composing)与writing 的意思(如make love里的make)。也谢谢戴玨的改写建议，读起来是顺畅些。虽然我有ice breaking 及brows relaxing 都产生the clear and crisp sound 的企图。

海外逸士

Sorry, I didn't mean whether the word "make" has the meaning of "write" in the dictionary, I meant if people use it that way. do anyone have an example from any famous writers or poets?

戴玨

苑眉

进来学习。。。。。

海外逸士

This example is for the structural balance in writing----the later part imitating the former part.

have another example?

非马

I would not worry too much about any example from famous writers or poets. After all, poetry is a form of creative
writing. That means sometimes something new will be created which we might not be able to find any example from previous writers.

苑眉

海外逸士

I also like creativeness in writing, especially in poetry, the only problem is the creativeness must be a good one.

from my writing experience, "making of a poem" does not sound good. that's why i give my opinion. composing is better than making, because writing is a general word, making has an underlying sense of manufacturing while composing has a sense of literary creation.

戴玨

非马

谢谢戴玨。你真是广见博闻。