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[william zhou周道模]

请大家批评指教。遥谢！


The Beauty in My Dream

By William Zhou

Walking on the branches in blossom
Singing in the rosy clouds for a while

You were ★违反论坛条例！★ in my foul dream
Life reveled splendidly for one night
You went away in dress of my poem
Covered my sleeplessness with morning light

Weeping Flowing your singing
Holding fragrance from your heart Flying



梦中美人
周道模

一会儿在花枝上漫步
一会儿在云霞中歌唱

裸在我犯规的梦中
生命狂写一夜辉煌
用曙色盖上我的无眠
你穿走我诗意的衣裳

流泪 淌着你的歌声
飞翔 捧着你的心香

[苑眉]

终于盼来个新面孔啦！欢迎欢迎！

回头喊：非马老师快来啊。。。

Walking on the branches with blossoms awhile
-------Walking on the blossom boughs
Singing in the rosy clouds for a while
--------Singing in the rosy clouds

You are ★违反论坛条例！★ in my foul dream
--------★违反论坛条例！★ in my foul dream
Life has reveled splendidly for a night
--------Splendor of life revel for one night
Went away wearing the dress of my poems
--------You went, in dress of my poem
You covered my sleeplessness with dawn
--------Covering my sleeplessness with morning light
或 Leaving my sleeplessness in morning light
这两句倒了个位置，是为了押韵问题，无奈。

Weeping Flowing your singing
Flying Holding your heart fragrance in hands

也试着涂鸦一下别人的作品——以上的蓝色部分仅作参考。心惊惊，惶恐中。。。

[william zhou周道模]

谢谢苑眉的斧正，你的修改精简些，但节奏就急促了。我想保持悠缓抒情的语调。要采纳你的一些意见。

[海外逸士]

我看這是從中譯到英的﹐因為像BLOSSOM BRANCHES﹐HEART FRAGRANCE﹐都是中式英文。

[william zhou周道模]

"海外"的高手:

此习作的确是先汉语后英语，请问怎样才能克复“汉语式的英语”？望不吝

指教！